Recently, I've found an absolutely beautiful song. It's title is "Show Me Love" and it's by Tatu. Today during first period, the guy that I share a headset in class with had a new burned cd, and it had it on it. I asked him what it was so I could download it, and now I can't stop listening to it.

It has a sense of techno but a very defined beat to it. The girl's voice is soft and gentle. It's so beautiful that I'm sure if I were to ever meet an angel, she would have that sort of voice. It entrances me and pulls me in...I'm not sure what this is. Not many things are very beautiful these days, and I've fallen in love with this voice. It puts me at peace. Oh, how wish I've had this feeling all my life. This is what I've been waiting for - peace.

Yes, that is what it is. It puts me at peace.

"Show me love, give me all that want."

I sort of feel this connection with these lyrics in paticular. I've felt my entire life like I've wanted someone to love me. I've always wanted people to love me(even though I doubt many did), and I was so desperate to find it. It's as if she's demanding that she have love because she deserves it.

Don't we all deserve to be loved? I deserve to be loved, I deserve to love myself. I'm so beautiful, I'm so talented. I'm not perfect, but I love who I am. Is this not the most pure sort of love? After all this time of hating yourself because of those who convince you that you are nothing, outrank you, outdo you. This is my time.

This is my time to shine. To love and be loved.

Oh Mommy,
Look at what we've done.

Look at who I am, now.
I'm sofisticated,
Beautiful,
Desired.

I'm everything you wanted me to be and more.
I did this all for you,
I did this to make you smile.

But I've become confused, Mommy.
Why can't I make you smile anymore?

You once said I was like ivory,
So beautiful and delicate.
You were right, Mommy.
Because when you put away ivory too long,
It becomes tarnished and ugly.
Just like me.

[Note: To anyone that knows me on a personal level, do not think that I am talking about you. The person I'm talking about knows who they are.]

Oh Lord. What have I done? I've created such a monster...I don't want this anymore. The beauty? Nothing. The laughter? No. I'd rather cut the smile off of my face than do what I am doing now. How can I cause so much pain? I stab someone in the back so easily, and just leave them. What have I become?

I would give up everything I have to take the pain away from you. I'm so sorry that I put you through it all. I'm so sorry that I turned my back on you. You didn't deserve it; you deserved much better than what I could ever give you. Why? Why did it have to be you?

A second chance would be nice, but I know that it would never be possible.

I just wanted you to know...

When you came up to me, when you looked me in the eye and told me you were sorry for being harsh to me? You broke my heart. I could just feel the world falling down around me. Just for a split second, I let you touch my heart and soul. I didn't mean to let you in. But my guard fell, and for that split second, I was just the scared little girl I always have been. The emotion was overwhelming, and I could just feel my insides shatter into a million peices.

What is happening to me? Why do I have to be so reckless?
I'm so broken and confused, now. Look at what has happened. Oh Lord...
What do I do now? Do I cry? Do I scream? Do I laugh and smile? Am I happy about this? Am I angry?

I've become the scared little girl again.
And now she's gone off to cry.

Ok. Here's the low down.

Stephen(the ex) has started talking to me again. Yes, I know, bad sign. Ex's always seem to be bad news a month after it has been broken off. Nevertheless, I talked to him. It seems that he's had some problems with the girl in which he had chosen over me(I do not say this bitterly - it is factual). I listening to him for a while and I realized that I miss him a bit. Not in the sort of, "I want you so bad, oh baby, oh baby," way. More in the, "long time, no see" friendly sort of way.

We hung out for a few minutes after school yesterday, before going out with my friend, Angela. I remembered exactly why I had been attracted to him - he has the most intense stare ever. I almost died a little inside when I remembered that, but I sort of pushed it to the back of my mind. I think I need to stay away from him a little while longer - I don't want to do anything that I might regret.

But for a tiny second, I felt like comparing him to Zack(which, if you don't already know, is my boyfriend now). I wanted to see if I was missing out on anything, you know? So, here's the score:
Stephen -

Positive
- Intense Gaze
- We have a history together
- We know each other really well

Negative
- We don't spend much time together
- He has a LOT of testostrone
- He's older. By a good measure.
- His ex will be on my ass
- Has trouble expressing emotions(still wondering if he has any?)
- Has no money(^_^ Hehehehe, sorry, I know. I'm materialistic.)

And now we go onto...Zack:

Positive
- Is SO sweet
- Has a little of testostrone, not too much
- Loves to cuddle
- Has money
- Has the tall, dark, handsome features(oh my Lord, so sexy)
- Loves to banter
- Goes the extra mile to make me smile

Negative
...Funny...None come to mind...

Ok. So there's the score. I don't even remember WHY I compared them - what's there to compare?? Zack is the obvious winner, here. He's the perfect guy for me right now, and I promise to God, no one will get in the way of our relationship.

Then again...Maybe I can't see the negative because we've only been going out for, what? Two, two and a half weeks? Hm. Well, I must try not to be negative or cynical about this. I'm sure things will be great for Zack and I. :)

...Aaaaaaannnnnnddddddd....

It's Zack's B-day! HAPPY B-DAY!!! I hope it's a good one, babe! And don't worry, you can still have Spongebob ballons and streamers at the age of 15 without being gay. ...We think.

^_^ Hope you have a good one, Zack.

Alrighty, anyway, that's the end of my emotional soap-opera life. So tragic and emotional, is it not? All the battles of men and bikinis and cleavage revealing clothes...
Ha, ok, maybe not the cleavage revealing clothes, but you get the picture.

I'm out - peace.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
that you belong with me

you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
i'ts time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you meant me!

[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

Oh Dear.

It's February, again. It's cold, it's raining, and it's V-Day month. And no, that would not be Veterns Day for all you mentally impaired.

And of course, Blog Boy(whom I spoke of on my last post, hence the name), read my blog and guessed that it was him. -_- Holy shit, was it scary when he approached me about it. But, I kept my cool and told him, "It might be you...then again, it might not be. Don't be so confident that it's you, buddy."

So, afterwards we hung out a lot more, and damn, he has stolen my heart. He's so sweet and nice, and I could just fall into his eyes. Whenever I touch his arm, I get a bit reluctant to pull away. At first I had thought it was just a silly little fling, but then my feelings got so much stronger. Then, last night, he and I both admitted to each other how much we liked each other.

"My dream girl isn't half the girl you are."

I have a feeling I will always remember that sentance. It was so sweet that it melted my heart. I got butterflies in my stomach, and their still there. If this is the "warm fuzzies", MAN, do I love the warm fuzzies.

Unfortunately, his parents have decided they do not like me being with their son. It is reasonable, considering horomones are high and they fear us having sexual contact, but it is so completely innocent between him and I it's almost scary. We hugged for the first time today...Yeah, I know. Innocent. I've decided that I'm not going to kiss him until the right moment - my kisses before him weren't exactly ment anything since I threw them out to everyone that would receive them. And now, I want them only to be devoted to him, and I want them to be so special.

Oh...
The month of love is starting to take me over.

Blog Boy, if you're reading this...
I really do love your eyes, and I missed spending time with you today. Maybe tomorrow, or the next day. And very sorry for keeping you up so late last night, I just couldn't stop talking to you. I promise to control myself from now on. :)

Until then, life is good, and Reya is signing out to go do her homework(for all those who know me on a personal note - I really am doing my homework, no lie. Amazing, isn't it?)

I've been really busy the past few weeks. I've had Driver's Ed, school, and Orchestra(in which Mr. Markuson is a really big prick). I'm going to keep this short since I'm tired and sick.

So far, I've gone out with a guy named Johnathan. Rebound boy, should we say. He did drugs and all that kind of shit, so I knew I wouldn't get too attatched to him. I didn't think he would be too attatched to me, either, but I found that I was wrong. According to him, he thinks about me all the time.

And I really want to get away from him, but I feel bad doing so. I guess this is the price you pay for using guys. So, in the past few days I've been re-evaluating myself. I really don't like how I think of and treat guys. They aren't like items on a shelf - they're real human beings with real emotions. There are a few that fit the stereotype, heartless and such. But there are actually guys out there that cry when they find their best friend sickeningly addicted to drugs, when their parents fight every night and leave him to keep his siblings occupied so they won't be exposed to the screaming. There are guys that cry over simple things. There are guys that are just content with holding the girl they care about most.

Oh. I wish I could have someone like that. How I wish it. I do think I have found someone like that...but I'm not so sure. And I don't want to proceed because of a few things.
a) I've already got Johnathan
b) I'm scared that the guy will freak out
c) I don't want to ruin the friendship the guy and I have right now.

Until I figure out exactly what I'm doing, I'm going to go play Halo 2. It's the best escape I have right now.